by Natalie Clark

You’re young and (assumingly) beautiful. The cosmic horn is calling and you can’t help but lust after the many other young and beautiful creatures all about the place. Sure, you’ve heard the warnings that it’s a bad idea to “screw the crew”. But nonetheless those inappropriate crushes on your classmates, flatmates and lecturers still somehow seem to eventuate. It’s just so convenient. You’re in close proximity to each other for a large portion of your waking day. The common interest foundations are already laid (pun intended) without having to invest huge amounts of effort into stalking/acquiring information. It’s a recipe for romantic success!

      Sure, you could go and scour internet dating websites, rummage through the trash of the inner city’s night clubs or ACTUALLY MEET SOMEONE. But you’re a dedicated student. You spend your whole day at school or studying at home and have no (sex) life outside of Unitec. You’re focused, committed, and infatuated. You don’t have time to bother with all that unnecessary dating rubbish.

The Classmate

Why it will work?
The painfully boring pre-requisite questions of dating (“So what do you do?”, “What are you interested in?”) can be conveniently overlooked. Fate has already brought you together in life so you might as well get onto it, right?

How to go about it?
      If you take Osteopathy, all you need to do is turn up to class. We know y’all get naked for your lessons. Work out more. Wear lace. It’s a no brain-er. Otherwise, the next time your tutor dishes out the brief for a group assignment bags working with your crush. Appear calm and avoid clambering raucously over the seats to get to them. If you know in advance a brief is going to be given out during that class, make sure you’re already sitting in close proximity so that Miss GHD doesn’t beat you to it. It is especially good if the assignment is done in pairs, ’cause you can get way more intimate than in awkward group scenario.

      Once you’ve been assigned together, take an unnatural interest in completing the project. Insist on “working” together every day. Always ask the key question “your place or mine?” Once you get confident with this, slip the word “baby” onto the end. They’ll soon get the hint and you’ll be “working” all over the house.

What happens if it gets messy?
      Unfortunately, if things go horribly wrong you’re stuck with this person for the remainder of your degree. Also, if you’re in a small class you can be sure that everyone WILL hear about it. As such, it’s better to lust after classmates if you’re in a more populated department. That way you can avoid avoid avoid until the cows come home. No-one wants to get an “F” on their assignment AND end up alone. That’s just a sad combo.

The Flatmate

Why it will work?
Location, location, location. Romance is just a short hop across the hallway. Unlike raunching it up with your classmate there’s no dithering about who’s house to stay the night at, only which bedroom. If you’re adventurous enough, you can change it up between yours and theirs. Plus it’s cheaper than your average relationship. You can cook a meal from the flat account rather than taking them to some fancy restaurant and watch American Idol in your lounge as opposed to paying for movie tickets. This inappropriate crush is ideal for those working off a budget.

How to go about it?
      On a Thursday, initiate a casual conversation about how expensive the rent is. Remind your flat-crush of all the wonderful things they could buy if only rent was cheaper (because you live with/lust after them, you should know their most intimate heart’s desires). Leave them to ponder over this for a few days.

      On Monday, when they’ve spent all their money on going out over the weekend and are hanging out for Wednesday’s paycheck, suggest room-sharing to save on costs. If they decline, hide all their food, drain the petrol out of their car and scour their bed sheets for hidden coinage. Suggest pizza for dinner and when they say they’re out of money, order one for yourself and eat it in front of them.

      Hopefully, by this point, they’ll be at the peak of desperation and that room-sharing idea will be looking really attractive. Ignore all the rules about who’s side of the bed is who’s. Jump them in the middle of the night when they least expect it.

What happens if it gets messy?
      Cut up their EFTPOS card. And their credit card. Remind them that you’re doing this for their own good. Because you care. Guilt-trip them ’til they back down. Worst case scenario you can always evict the new flatmate and move back into your original room. Or evict the ex-crush. It’s their fault for not paying bills/adequately safeguarding their credit card.

The Lecturer

Why it will work?
They’re smart, they’re mature, they don’t hang around in the village carpark drinking every night of the week and they’re successful. They have a full-time job to support your every (justified) material desire. Let’s face it, the unemployment rate is going up and cougars are in. You need someone to support you. You should totes snap your cute lecturer.

How to go about it?
      First, do some research. Are they single? If so, eat away at their insecurities by filling them in on the “rumours” your fellow students are spreading about them. Comfort them after class. Convince them you’re different. Get better grades. Be a teacher’s pet. Pet the teacher.

      If they’re otherwise engaged, book a private tutorial. Make sure it’s in a room with a lock on the door. Lure them over by referring to a specific diagram in your textbook. Seduce them. Threaten to take legal action if they tell anyone. Repeat weekly/daily as desired.

What happens if it gets messy?
      You’re in the shit, sweetheart. Best keep this one under wraps. Black-mailing is a winner and you’re younger and craftier than they. Crapping this one up could severely impact your grades/degree/future/life. In this instance, move to Bulgaria and change your name to Stanilaus.

Disclaimer: All dating tips suggested are undertaken at your own risk. Unitec Student Media does not condone any of the following dating tips, which are meant solely for entertainment value.