This is a catalogue of girls and boys I felt erogenous towards with between the ages of four and twelve (primary school and intermediate) in chronological order. I will try to not miss any out.

Cassandra

“Cassandra” went to the same kindergarten as me in Christchurch. I can’t remember her name. We were both four-years old. She had very thin blonde hair and wore this pink parka and had this thing where her face and lips, especially her lips, would go blue all the time. She looked like a blueberry. I remember wanting to lick her face.

Cassandra Appleby

When I was five years-old I started primary school at St Martin’s primary school in Christchurch. There was a girl in my class named Cassandra Appleby and she had red hair and was really skinny. I wanted her to marry me and we could have a family. In one art session, I made sure I drew for longer than everyone else because I thought that would impress the shit out of her.

Eleanor

I sat next to Eleanor everyday when my family moved to Dunedin. We were both in Mr. Ashwith’s class. He is now dead. She had big teeth and a fringe. I used to like when our knees would touch each other beneath our desks. I would even sit sideways on my chair so that the frequency of our leg touching would increase. I can’t prove it, because we never discussed this, but I’m fairly sure she did the same thing.

One time we were sitting at our desks and I remember that our knees had been pretty much touching for the whole class. We were learning about different types of rocks. Igneous/sedimentary/metamorphic. It was my right knee touching her left knee.Then I got an erection.That was the first erection I ever got. I didn’t know what to do or what it was. I went to the toilet and tried to pee it out. But I couldn’t.

Eleanor left Dunedin halfway through the year. I think she moved to Geraldine.

Ruby

After Eleanor left I started liking this girl named Ruby. She wore red bows in her pigtails and wore little dresses. She had really big cheeks and when it got cold they went all blotchy and red. She was in our school play and so was I. We played the two lead characters. We were brother and sister. I always wanted to give her a kiss.

Kate Mcnash

Kate is my cousin and she and her family came to visit us. Kate is a few months younger than me. Kate and me and my little brother and Kate’s brother and sister all went to the playground at my primary school. We played on the slide and in the fort. When me and Kate were at the top of the fort she said that she would show me her vagina if I showed her my penis. I didn’t know why, but I did it anyway.

I spent a few years wondering whether it would be possible/okay to get married to my cousin but eventually decided it was probably illegal.

Amelia Brian

 My family moved back to Christchurch when I was nine-years old. When I was 11 I was in Mrs McCain’s class (room 12). Amelia Brian was in that class too. She wore her hair in a pony tail and had wonky teeth but nice eyes. She played netball (GA). I joined the school’s indoor netball team because I liked Amelia. She lived about 500 metres away from my house on Pross Rd and I used to take walks down there at night and look at her house. I would walk past her house about seven times in the hope she would look out her window and see me and say “Hi. Come in.”

At this stage, people at my school were becoming boyfriends/girlfriends. I decided I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was too nervous to ask her. We used to talk a lot in class and on MSN Messenger. I got told by Davie Riddle that she liked me too. One lunch time my class were all playing and four boys grabbed me and four girls grabbed Amelia and they dragged us together and someone yelled “ask her to be your girlfriend you dickhead.” I did and she said yes and everyone let go of us.

This was the same time people started to kiss each other. They all called it “getting with”. I was to afraid to “get with” Amelia because I didn’t know if “getting with” someone was different to kissing someone and I didn’t want to be an idiot. We used to hold hands a lot. Once I heard she “got with” Sam Thomas at John McKnight’s birthday party but she said it wasn’t true. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for almost six months I think. I thought we would get married. I sent her an email saying she was beautiful and said I’d had a dream which was like the screen saver – where all the stars fly at you – but instead of stars it was her head. I had made that up, but I thought it was romantic. Two days later her friend Kate Sandford said Amelia didn’t want to be my girlfriend any more.

Amelia was the last person with whom getting married was part of the fantasy.

Emma Sloane

Emma Sloane was a short, blonde tom-boy. I liked her because she was smart and seemed to be the most unattainable eleven-year-old at Saint Martin’s primary/intermediate. She never returned my affections. I asked her to be my girlfriend three times. Her little brother Rhys was a cool guy and he thought I was funny and told his sister to be my girlfriend but that didn’t make a difference.

Keri Whitau

When I was nine and 10 I used to spit on Keri Whitau’s lawn whenever I’d walk past her house. When I was 12 I went to a mixed gender sleepover where we watched the BlairWitch Project and played spin the bottle. I landed on Keri Whitau and she leaned across the circle and kissed me and that was my first kiss. She has freckles and looked like a chipmunk and seemed streetwise. On my second spin I landed on Keri again and we had to “get with” each other.We walked away from the group. She did all the work and had gum in her mouth. She had a muscular and angular tongue. She was experienced and had an unrequited crush on Tom Sanders.

THEN I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL.
THE END OF PART ONE.

Words by Joseph Harper.

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